14.09 once you've left the floor, there ain't no beat no more

i'm 19 now, dropped out, and no work. where do i find the rhythm i can dance to? in an effort to not fall into a sad slumber, i have been forcing myself to do atleast one thing a day, and go outside as frequently as i can. it is hard, much harder than i wish it could be. i do thank the people i have around me to go out sometimes with me, it is few, but dear to my heart.

it's quite interesting to me, because i thought i had a lot of friends. perhaps to my autistic heart it is, but i had to reflect when a more recent friend brought up that i don't seem to have that many friends. i struggle to see whether i have an issue with that, (not really), but i do sometimes wish to socialize more. i'm just as human as you, i do love a warm community. i hope to interact more on places like neocities with others, but so far i've only managed to push my comfort zone to comment on others profiles. it always makes my day when people reply or leave a comment on mine! and so i guess it's about these small moments and smiles, that create the notes to the song i'm looking to dance to.

despite not having a set choreography to follow, things aren't all that bad. i'm just making up moves as i go. one thing that i've been enjoying a whole lot is, shockingly, fashion. i never cared much about how i looked, so up until recently, i only really had 1 pair of jeans and 5 shirts. that has changed a lot quite quickly, and i'm very happy with it. i think what's making it so enjoyable is that i'm going down the sub-culture route with music. i've always been a punk at heart and have been falling in love with goth more and more.

i guess music really does steer me in life.

10.05 the importance of heartfelt conversations

feeling lost and confused makes me, like many people, seek reassurance. though it seems harder to find than i thought. but, impossible it is not.

may is always the worst part of the school year. the most amount of work while being exhausted from the year. i'm struggling a lot, losing reasons to keep pushing for one more month. but all of this reminded me of a conversation i had about two years ago.

it was with an acquaintance whom i never speak to alone. a friend of a friend really, since i only ever played games with him while our mutual friend was present. it was close to our final exams, we were all doing it at the same school. he had already done these exams a year before, but was now doing it at the same level as us (havo). i was obviously like everyone else scared out of my mind, i was fully convinced i wasn't going to make it. the only support i had were friends who were equally scared, or had no idea what the big deal was.

as me, and the two friends were finishing up playing valorant, the topic of exams popped up. our mutual friend went to bed pretty quickly, but for some reason the acquaintance still stuck around to talk to me, i never understood why. the conversation lasted for about an hour, and it's a conversation i appreciate so deeply till this day. he assured me on how everything worked, listened to my concerns and comforted me emotionally and rationally. attentive to how i felt and never minimized my feelings. during times like these, i just go back to that moment mentally, and try to remember that better things are to come. i had gained much more confidence after that night, and managed to pass all my exams!

so thank you, to him, who cared enough for that one night to comfort me.

02.05 accepting things as they are

i don't have much to say really, but an overwhelming urge to speak nonetheless. i've been very exhausted and slightly upset. i think it all comes from a frustration of being stuck where i am. "i accept that it's time for a change but not in places like this with people like these" - Los Campesinos!

i'm very unhappy studying photography and all i can hope is that i'll be able to drop out soon to go to uni. and i'm always wishing i could leave the netherlands and stay elsewhere for a while.

it seems pointless at times to vent into the emptiness with a slight chance that a stranger will see this, but it's also kind of nice. i appreciate it when others do it because then i know i'm not truly alone. my small bubble might feel lonely, but i know there's a world outside where there's atleast one stranger whom i share the same feelings with.

for now i'm taking things slow, trying to find small things to make my days a little more bearable. trying to hang onto the thought that better things will come, as the feeling has slipped away.

28.02 first post

staring at a blank page, finding it hard to write, but knowing you feel the need to say something. i always find that strange to deal with. strong feelings that turn into nothing, it's frustrating. it's especially hard when starting a new journal, like i am now, here. so i'm just rambling to have something on the page. it makes it easier for next times.

i'm feeling so indecisive on the layout of my site. i keep seeing other people's sites and wanting to do the same thing entirely. i love maximalism but everything i do ends up being very minimalistic, i'm never sure why. as of writing this, the site isn't even done yet, but i already wish to fully change it. i should leave it as is for now and change it some other time, but it just bothers me!

perhaps i should just make each page unique to each own. each topic has it's own page for a reason, so give them their own personality. notes for myself, haha. well for this page i definitely like it being very plain. just me and my thoughts, nothing influencing the way i talk. thought i doubt other pages will be much more different.

i'll leave this first post as this for now! i might post a whole lot in a short amount of time, or disappear for months, who knows. i do hope anyone reading, enjoys my random blog!